Saturday, December 10, 2016

After much encouragement and lots of prodding from several friends I am starting this blog to help others understand this journey to adopt a precious boy who needs a family! Just the fact that I am writing this is totally against every part of my personality but I have learned in my life that “comfort zone” is not where God wants me. Anyone who knows me well knows that God made me to “mother” no matter if it was an orphaned kitten, stray dog or my own family. I was made to care for others. I opted out of a teaching opportunity and decided to become a Foster Care/Adoption Social Worker when I graduated from college. This was the first step on an amazing and crazy journey that God had in store for me. 
In 2006 my husband was killed in a car accident. My world was forever changed. I never thought that I would be able to recover from this loss. I floundered for awhile and became angry at God because this was not “my plan.” Fast forward two years and I gave birth to a miracle baby- a pregnancy doctors predicted would never happen. My son was born in August 2008. I thought that my fertility issues were over and fully expected to have another son as soon as possible. I hung onto an unhealthy marriage with a man who (hindsight) never loved me or the Lord. The relationship ended and my son and I were on our own. There were moments of confusion because I knew that God designed me to be a mother of sons and no matter how much I tried, I could not make this desire of my heart go away. In August 2013 I thought I had the flu and ended up in the hospital for 2 weeks, fighting for my life… that situation ended in taking any part of me that would allow me to give birth again. That was it. My plan was destroyed. Now here I am in 2016: widowed, divorced, barren and a single mother of the most amazing 8yr old you would ever meet. Each time I have had a plan on my own God shows Himself faithful to gently remind me of my need for Him. 
On June 30, 2016 I was casually looking at some information on adoption; specifically a photo listing of children available for adoption. I ran across a little guy’s picture and my heart stopped. He was almost 2yrs old and had Spina Bifida. I don’t recall having a feeling like this in my whole life. I loved my biological son as he grew within my body. I loved him as I first held him and breathed him in the day he was born. I nursed him, nurtured him and cared for him every day of his life since he was born- of course I love him with a deep love that is indescribable. So how can I feel a strong emotion of love for this little boy (big brown eyes, thin blonde hair) staring back at me on a computer screen?!? I kept going back to his picture. I contacted his adoption agency. I viewed videos and became very emotional when I saw his smile. I was fighting and struggling with these intense emotions that I have never experienced before. I am a very logical person and this was just not logical. After I got more detailed information about him I convinced myself that this was a crazy irrational thought . How could I, a single mother in the U.S., take care of this precious little life who had some special needs that I didn’t think I was equipped to care for? I don’t have a husband to fall back on for financial or emotional support. Almost three months passed. I constantly thought of this little boy. I don’t dream but I dreamed of him all the time. In the meantime I was daily ignoring the tugging in my heart and pushing it away as “crazy” and “it could never happen” … until I got to the point that I had to see that face again, after all I was seeing him in my dreams. I logged onto my email to look at his precious face and videos. The videos had “expired” I could not see them. My heart was racing and I was ready to cry. The next day I immediately emailed the agency and asked for the videos again. 2 Corinthians 12:9 kept coming to my mind and I needed to be obedient to this clear voice I knew I was hearing “Trust Me” – not an easy task for this independent woman- but I needed to trust God. I began working my budget out to pay the application fee. When I filled out that first form and decided to send it to the adoption agency I finally slept! I had peace. I wasn’t going to argue or fight with the Lord anymore. All my worries and anxieties: How would I pay for this? What will my family think? Will my coworkers be angry that I am not adopting from the system I work for? How will I meet the needs of this special little boy who deserves so much? After thinking and obsessing about these questions over and over for days, into the wee hours of the morning, I finally realized that NONE of that is up to me. Despite my personality being “wonder woman” complex- there was absolutely nothing I can do except be obedient. The only way that any of this would happen was in my absolute surrender. Again, I keep going back to 2 Corinthians 12:9 in my weakness His power is made perfect; His grace is sufficient. So here I am again, in my weakness: when my husband died, when I was experiencing a toxic marriage relationship, when I was told I would never give birth again, when my son almost died, when I almost died… all these things brought me to the end of my own strength and fully relying on the Lord. … if I had not experienced every single one of the pain and losses in my life, then I would not be in the position that I am in today: Willing to step out in faith and make a little boy across the world my son.
I have worked in the adoption field for over 15 years. I cannot tell you how incredibly hard it can be to work daily in building families when your own heart desires to build your own family. But if it was not for my profession and passion for adoption (that began as a child) I would not have the friends, knowledge and support that I now have. I welcome you to follow my journey of complete reliance on God as I work with adoption professionals and navigate the complicated, expensive and stressful process of international adoption. (Please note that I am not allowed to share the name of the country at this time, so not to jeopardize my ability to adopt him, but it is somewhat in Eastern Europe)

To find out more about the advocacy group that helped me find my son, or to donate to the cost of bringing him home, please visit Reece's Rainbow (his "advocacy name is Edwin" this is not his real name):